"Siblings Without Rivalry" book review

I'm an avid reader and can't get enough of books. As a mum and child health nurse, alot of my reading matter is parenting material (good and bad, all different philosophies). I can't help but tell friends the good points about certain books that really capture my attention and they either ask for the name/author or, if they're not so keen readers, ask me to summarise it for them.



I have just read a book that has left quite an impression on me and that I want to remember for all of my children's childhood. I had planned to 'take notes' from it and decided this is as a good a place as any to do it cos then friends can read it too and there's a summary for them! Yes, I'm back in school doing book reviews (which, of course, being such a reader, I always liked!).



So, book review number one, a library book (of course...most of them are...I LOVE the library and rarely buy books) called "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I borrowed it because it is one of my goals that my children will be great friends and really enjoy each other's company. I am not so silly that I dream of no fighting at all, but I just really hope for them and for us as a family that they will grow up really liking each other and leaning on each other and being supportive mates. And if their individual personalities don't allow for this, I'd like to do everything I can do to make co-existing in the same house for 18 years a pleasant-enough experience for us all!



The dedication says "To all the grown-up siblings who still have a hurt child inside them" and alot of the book talks about how our individual experience as a sibling can affect us for our whole lives, emotionally, behaviourally and in every context to do with all our relationships. There are some horror stories out there! But I am very lucky...with an age gap of 6 years and my naturally maternal personality and my sister's naturally easy-going pleasant personality, my little sister and I have never suffered anything remotely approaching sibling rivalry. No physical stuff, no emotional stuff...I can't remember any dissent in our relationship at all. She may differ in opinion remembering back to her teenage years when she had 2 bossy mums, rather than just one, but in all, I think she would agree. We are good friends now, not the best of friends who talk everyday (we are after all in completely different stages in life, not to mention different generations!), but we are very close nonetheless.

During the first chapter, the history of different individual's sibling relationships are discussed, leading on to their own wishes for their own children. The author talks of being on a rollercoaster of hoping her kids would be friends, saying that everytime they played nicely, she was elated, then when they didn't, she would despair that they hated each other and "it's all my fault" (ah the mother-guilt that we have about EVERYTHING!). She said that eventually she gave up the 'good friends' dream and replaced it with a focus on equipping them with the attitudes and skills they'd need for all their caring relationships. She wanted to teach them to really listen to each other, to respect their differences, to find ways to resolve their differences, so at least they could have the power to make and be a friend.

She then points out that as far as children are concerned, you having another child can be, to them, similar to your spouse saying "honey, I love you so much and you're so wonderful that I've decided to have another wife just like you". In this common circumstance, it is very beneficial to just listen and acknowledge how the children are feeling when they complain, verbally or physically, about their sibling. Comments such as "It must be very hard for you having her around all the time", "you take as much time as you want to tell me all about what's bothering you", "I want to know exactly how you feel because your feelings are very important to me". She says that comments like these can go a long long way to calm an upset child. Just the fact that you've heard, listened and acknowledged can soothe a situation. It goes back to the old 'communication skills' learnings, stuff that if used every moment of everyone's life, the world would be a more peaceful place!

She suggests having the kids say to you (as opposed to yelled abusively to each other!) or write down or draw how they're feeling about their sibling in moments of anger or dissent, rather than physically attacking. It seems that "insisting on good feelings between the children led to bad feelings and allowing for bad feelings between the children led to good feelings".

The next chapter discusses the Perils of Comparisons, and warns parents that children bring enough fiercely competitive feelings to the sibling relationship on their own without help from us grown-ups. We need to be very aware to not compare in any way, even the simple little things like "Lisa has such beautiful table manners, why do you always use your fingers to eat?", "your brother always gets his homework done before you" etc. Common behavioural responses were "if i can't be best at being best, I'll be best at being worst" and "I'll never be what you want me to be so why try?" Children can feel inadequate, angry, resentful. Even the child coming off best in the comparison can suffer from it (such as if complimented on being the orderly one, she will feel the pressure to live up to being orderly in order to gain your approval).

Instead of comparing to each other, describe what you see/like/don't like without any reference to a sibling. It is important that they know that their parents see them as separate individuals and that any thing they do can be praised or disciplined for its own merits (including sporting and academic achievements).

And onto treating children equally...is it possible or necessary? Is is necessary to buy them both new pyjamas just because you've had to go shopping for the one who outgrew hers? Is it necessary to stress out because one child claims that his pancake is smaller than his siblings? No. In terms of material things, it all evens out over childhood and children should be taught to not expect the same thing as their sibling everyday. In terms of the inevitable question "who do you love more?", instead of saying "I love you all the same", one suggestion is to tell each child how they're loved uniquely, such as "each of you is special to me. Noone has your thoughts, your feelings, your smile. You're the only you in the whole world and 'm so glad you're my daughter". She writes "Children don't need to be treated equally, they need to be treated uniquely". Instead of giving equal amounts, give according to need (eg. "do you want a few grapes or a big bunch?", rather than "here, now you have as many as your brother".) Instead of giving equal time, give according to need at that time, but with the promise that you will there for the other child when finished.

The next chapter discusses 'Siblings in Roles' and how easy it is to imply to your children that they are good or bad at certain things or have certain personality traits that then make them live that role everyday. Or conversely, by implying that one sibling is a certain way, then the other may have the attitude "well, if he's that, I'll be this." Birth order can greatly affect the way we treat children and how they see themselves, and this shouldn't be set in stone. Children need freedom to change and as parents, we can affect that with our subtle ways. We can treat them, not as they are, but how we hope they will become, in a self-fullfilling prophecy kind of way. Instead of expecting the 'bully' in your family to be mean and cruel, as we fall into the trap of doing, expect kindness, and pull him up saying something like "you have a superior capacity to be nice, now use it!"

"Children are born with different personality traits but as parents we have the power to influence those traits to give nature a helping hand. Use that power wisely and let's not place our children in roles that will defeat them." We can free a bully to be compassionate and free a victim to be strong, by helping them see their own capacity for something different. Be aware of not locking a child into a role.

Along with this, instead of focusing on children's disabilities, focus on their abilities, by always encouraging abilities with your languange, accept their frustration (and teach them to do the same), appreciate what they have accomplished however imperfect, help in focusing on solutions.

Fighting. Inevitable but there are ways to handle it. Ignore the normal bickering and tell yourself that it's an important lesson in conflict resolution. If the situation is heating up, the author keeps in mind the following steps while approaching a fight. Start by acknowledging the children's anger towards each other and that alone should help calm them. Listen to each child's side with respect. Show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem. Express faith in their ability to work out a mutually agreeable solution. Offer simple solutions if necessary but leave them to talk it over and work it out. Leave the room.

When the fight is heading toward hurting, there are more steps. Step one is Describe what you see (eg. "I see a boy about to throw a truck and another boy about to hit with a bat and both are furious"), Establish limits (eg."This is a dangerous situation, we need a cooling off period"), Separate them (eg."Quick, you to your room, you to yours"). This gives them time to calm down and they know that you are protecting them both.

Family or group meetings may be helpful for difficult conflicts, where everyone is allowed to express their point of view (feelings and concerns) in a mature controlled matter, each suggest different solutions and agree on solutions. This brings it to a more mature way of dealing with matters that allow children to think it through and talk responsibly.

Sharing. Huge. Some suggestions in the book for encouraging sharing are to put the children in charge of sharing (have them suggest solutions), point out the advantages of sharing, allowing time for inner processing of a child, by showing appreciation when it happens spontaneously, by modelling sharing yourself.

This is most of what I got out the book but there is way more and I'd recommend it as a good helpful read. I'll be reading it again as my kids get older, and reflecting on these notes too to remind me over the years. Communicate well and kindly and hope for the best!