Relief

Well, D-day arrived today, well, S-day...scan-day. Appointment at 3.20pm, we were sent home cos doc was 8 patients behind, finally got in at 5.45pm (all that extra waiting, on top of what i'd been bravely doing for 3 weeks...anxiety plus plus...but I did good, i'm proud to say!). Briefly sat down in the chair then shakily asked if I could move to the 'couch' so we could just get the important thing out the way without all the preamble. He understood, my lovely doc, and was quick to point out a brain growing, and a leg stump, and a little baby at perfect size for 8 weeks and 1 day, and then, even, movement visible to the eye in such a tiny creature. I asked about a heartbeat and he laughed kindly "there's no movement if no heartbeat...let me zoom in...there it is". I teared up, so so relieved. Tony sighed a huge sigh of emotion (I think partly relief that the baby is ok, mostly relief that he didn't have to see me go through hell again).

So WOW I'm pregnant and I can now be excited and happy and plan for the future a little. I can relax.

Still not feeling grand in the gut but it's easier, much easier, when I know it's for a reason.

And now, school holidays, Easter, a family trip down south...it's a good week! I SO SO didn't want this week to be spoilt by bad news today. I love Easter and have always done Easter Egg hunt and a letter from Easter Bunny, along with footprints and whatever other ideas come up that year. More for me than the kids I think...I love the magic of it. We missed out last year because I was in hospital all Easter weekend. We were going to have a Hunt afterward but it kinda felt like we missed the moment by the time I was better. Kids didn't realise but I did...and I was so scared of deja vu. And so determined that bad news or not, I wouldn't be too sad to enjoy our Easter.

But no fear now, only happiness and hope and joy and new life.

Aaahhh, I can breathe easy again.

Thankyou little baby for holding on tight and doing good. I am/We are so grateful to you.

PHEW and YAY!

Psychological?!!!!!

Oh my goodness gracious me, do some people never learn? My husband is a lovely man, a good bloke, a kind guy, generally exemplary in his caring of me. I've hardly been able to fault him recently. But today, he let himself down. I'm partly laughing about it, partly smarting a little. I told him I was feeling a little bit sick already, especially yesterday arvo and this morning till around 1030. Just seedy. What do you think he said? On our 5th pregnancy after nearly 7 years of marriage. "Do you think it's just psychological since you know you're pregnant?" Is he for REAL?!! He regretted saying it nearly immediately because my response wasn't pretty. I may have had a mini-tantrum. Might've nearly cried even. "No babe, no, I don't think that. I found out I was pregnant a week ago and I've been fine. On your theory, that would not have been the case. I actually feel sick because that's what pregnancy hormones do to me. Not the baby...the baby doesn't need to be even alive for me to be sick. My hormones do it. Are you for real asking me that after how you've seen me be before?!! SHEEZ!" Pause while I digested his question and he stumbled over his great apology of ever daring say that. Then, "How dare you say that? How dare you and all those other men and women who don't suffer this think that we are having psychologically sickness just because we know we are pregnant? What...when you drink copious amounts of alcohol one night then wake up with the worst hangover ever the next day, do you just psychologically think you are feeling sick because you know how much you drank? NO!! You really do feel sick and gross because the alcohol made your body that way. JUST LIKE PREGNANCY HORMONES DO TO ME!!!!!" And on that, with him still apologising and trying to bite back that one question that escaped his mouth, I rested my case. And I hope that sometime in the next few weeks, he is in my way when I need to vomit and I can show him just how PSYCHOLOGICAL 'morning sickness' is! P.S. 'MORNING sickness'?! Really, MORNING? Is that all? Oh how lovely that would be! Even the name of it downplays the feeling of it. Now wonder we have no hope in ever having true sympathy from anyone who hasn't been there. P.P.S. This does not in any way downplay my happiness about being pregnant and (hopefully) adding a third baby to our family. It's just par for the course, an inconvenience that has to be suffered to get the 'prize'. I am happy to suffer for the prize.

A quote that rung a bell with me...

One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching. Unknown

Dreams coming true?

Well, well, well, whaddayaknow?!! It would appear that I am pregnant again. WOW! SURPRISE! Turns out that all I had to do was write that last post then assess our family situation, announce to my husband that I give up, I want to move on, I can be happy with our 2 gorgeous kids and will somehow 'get over' the underlying subconscious grief that was there, and cry a few tears when he talked about giving our baby stuff away. I was approaching peaceful acceptance. I booked an appointment with my doctor to get a referral to fix my post-childbirth issues. And 2 weeks later, 2 lines side-by-side on a little wee stick. YAY!!! I am shocked, and happy, and scared. So scared in some moments. But impressively nonchalant in other moments. I fought the urge to visit the Emergency Dept next to my work on Thursday when I was having little abdo cramps...I so wanted to demand an ultrasound. Then I realised, as a knowledgeable midwife should, that it's too early to know too much or to be able to predict too much. Then I realised that I really want is a crystal ball, a reliable one, to tell me now, right now, whether this will be all right. Whether I can plan for a baby or not. Whether I can get excited as I so want to and so so should be able to if my innocence in this department hadn't been so lost to me 6 years ago then again last year. Is it worth visiting a clairvoyant? I've never wanted to before but right now, still with 2 weeks till the magical 7 weeks when my angels haven't lived past (according to scan), it seems too many minutes to endure of not knowing quite what to feel. Self-preservation is a strong thing. Part of me says that if I keep a lid on it, not get TOO excited and not plan TOO much, then I won't be hurt so much if the worst happens. And then the bigger part, the more natural positive part that is more truly me, doesn't want to rip this little bean off of my excitement and the welcome from my heart. Even tho my other little angels haven't made it, this little person doesn't deserve any less happy feelings flowing through. I'm a bit stuck in the middle. I think the positive part is winning out the last few days though. I keep finding myself grinning a quiet little grin...I've got a secret and it's the coolest secret ever! I didn't know how to tell my husband...I ended up taking the wimp's way out and leaving a positive pregnancy test on the bathroom cabinet...I heard him inhale with a "OH!" and then pop his head out and ask "are you pregnant?!" I answered, heard buried, "it would appear so! Sorry!" "WOW!" Yes, wow indeed! And he's been very sweet, genuinely happy, teasing me that all I had to do was give up on it and it happened. That afternoon after work, he hugged me and put his hand on my belly and whispered "hello baby, how was your day?" Just what I needed him to do. PHEW!! It made me laugh thinking how wimpy I was about telling him...how do girls who fall pregnant very early in 'dating' manage to say the words to the bloke that got them that way? Must be terrifying! So...December. I allow myself one little fantasy, one little planning-ahead indulgent thought. My little baby girl or boy, tiny, wrinkly, fresh, being cuddled by an ample Santa for a Santa photo. I saw this last Christmas (when I 'should' have had a baby too) and it brought tears to my eyes. My babies have been nearly one at Christmas, old enough to think Santa is a horrendously scary man! I've told a few friends, much to Tony's chagrin. He was put out when he found out, and I had to explain that "telling people does not cause a baby to die" (he still has a little tiny belief that posting our news on Facebook last year had something to do with our baby's demise...anything to make it his fault that bad stuff happened??). I added that I'm a talker, a communicator, therefore not that good at keeping my mouth completely shut about something that is on my mind EVERY SINGLE MINUTE. Surely he knows that by now?!! (He kind of agreed.) So speaking of friends, I have a few friends who are ultra-understanding about my fears, even though they haven't 'been there'. Another few who haven't 'been there' don't get it at all...they try but the understanding isn't there. It prompted me to write a list of 'friends who I could confide in'...23 of them (which made me feel pretty lucky just to have that many good women in my world)...of which only 4 have suffered pregnancy loss. Good stats for my group really. (Makes me feel that I 'took 2 for my team'. Not an entirely rational thought but hey, am i really truly expected to be rational right now?!) Anyway, so I considered who I could talk to who would really truly deeply in their hearts 'get' this fear. None of those 4, 2 because I don't want to bring up their pain again, 1 because she's still grieving that she can't have a 3rd so probably wouldn't be able to get past that, another because hers was an accidental pregnancy soon after her 2nd baby and she had just found out she was pregnant, was in total shock and then rather relieved that she didn't have to face the reality of it. So I just have to process my own thoughts, try to keep healthy about it (and I'm quite proud of how successfully I'm doing that so far), talk to friends who say the right things, and keep hope hope hoping! And enjoying. And doing everything I can to allow for 'success' (not that I can pinpoint anything I've ever done 'wrong' before). And on a superficial level, enjoying the renewed smooth skin that pregnancy hormones have already given me, after a shocking few months of cysty pimples. And looking forward to, and dreading, and then dreading some more, the nausea and vomiting that seems to accompany me in early pregnancy (no matter what the outcome...it's a myth that 'morning sickness' means everything is going well; I've proven the myth of it twice). And I'm talking to my stomach and begging this little person to hang around and be healthy and grow big and he/she will be so so loved. I promise.