A quote that rung a bell with me...

One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching. Unknown

Dreams coming true?

Well, well, well, whaddayaknow?!! It would appear that I am pregnant again. WOW! SURPRISE! Turns out that all I had to do was write that last post then assess our family situation, announce to my husband that I give up, I want to move on, I can be happy with our 2 gorgeous kids and will somehow 'get over' the underlying subconscious grief that was there, and cry a few tears when he talked about giving our baby stuff away. I was approaching peaceful acceptance. I booked an appointment with my doctor to get a referral to fix my post-childbirth issues. And 2 weeks later, 2 lines side-by-side on a little wee stick. YAY!!! I am shocked, and happy, and scared. So scared in some moments. But impressively nonchalant in other moments. I fought the urge to visit the Emergency Dept next to my work on Thursday when I was having little abdo cramps...I so wanted to demand an ultrasound. Then I realised, as a knowledgeable midwife should, that it's too early to know too much or to be able to predict too much. Then I realised that I really want is a crystal ball, a reliable one, to tell me now, right now, whether this will be all right. Whether I can plan for a baby or not. Whether I can get excited as I so want to and so so should be able to if my innocence in this department hadn't been so lost to me 6 years ago then again last year. Is it worth visiting a clairvoyant? I've never wanted to before but right now, still with 2 weeks till the magical 7 weeks when my angels haven't lived past (according to scan), it seems too many minutes to endure of not knowing quite what to feel. Self-preservation is a strong thing. Part of me says that if I keep a lid on it, not get TOO excited and not plan TOO much, then I won't be hurt so much if the worst happens. And then the bigger part, the more natural positive part that is more truly me, doesn't want to rip this little bean off of my excitement and the welcome from my heart. Even tho my other little angels haven't made it, this little person doesn't deserve any less happy feelings flowing through. I'm a bit stuck in the middle. I think the positive part is winning out the last few days though. I keep finding myself grinning a quiet little grin...I've got a secret and it's the coolest secret ever! I didn't know how to tell my husband...I ended up taking the wimp's way out and leaving a positive pregnancy test on the bathroom cabinet...I heard him inhale with a "OH!" and then pop his head out and ask "are you pregnant?!" I answered, heard buried, "it would appear so! Sorry!" "WOW!" Yes, wow indeed! And he's been very sweet, genuinely happy, teasing me that all I had to do was give up on it and it happened. That afternoon after work, he hugged me and put his hand on my belly and whispered "hello baby, how was your day?" Just what I needed him to do. PHEW!! It made me laugh thinking how wimpy I was about telling him...how do girls who fall pregnant very early in 'dating' manage to say the words to the bloke that got them that way? Must be terrifying! So...December. I allow myself one little fantasy, one little planning-ahead indulgent thought. My little baby girl or boy, tiny, wrinkly, fresh, being cuddled by an ample Santa for a Santa photo. I saw this last Christmas (when I 'should' have had a baby too) and it brought tears to my eyes. My babies have been nearly one at Christmas, old enough to think Santa is a horrendously scary man! I've told a few friends, much to Tony's chagrin. He was put out when he found out, and I had to explain that "telling people does not cause a baby to die" (he still has a little tiny belief that posting our news on Facebook last year had something to do with our baby's demise...anything to make it his fault that bad stuff happened??). I added that I'm a talker, a communicator, therefore not that good at keeping my mouth completely shut about something that is on my mind EVERY SINGLE MINUTE. Surely he knows that by now?!! (He kind of agreed.) So speaking of friends, I have a few friends who are ultra-understanding about my fears, even though they haven't 'been there'. Another few who haven't 'been there' don't get it at all...they try but the understanding isn't there. It prompted me to write a list of 'friends who I could confide in'...23 of them (which made me feel pretty lucky just to have that many good women in my world)...of which only 4 have suffered pregnancy loss. Good stats for my group really. (Makes me feel that I 'took 2 for my team'. Not an entirely rational thought but hey, am i really truly expected to be rational right now?!) Anyway, so I considered who I could talk to who would really truly deeply in their hearts 'get' this fear. None of those 4, 2 because I don't want to bring up their pain again, 1 because she's still grieving that she can't have a 3rd so probably wouldn't be able to get past that, another because hers was an accidental pregnancy soon after her 2nd baby and she had just found out she was pregnant, was in total shock and then rather relieved that she didn't have to face the reality of it. So I just have to process my own thoughts, try to keep healthy about it (and I'm quite proud of how successfully I'm doing that so far), talk to friends who say the right things, and keep hope hope hoping! And enjoying. And doing everything I can to allow for 'success' (not that I can pinpoint anything I've ever done 'wrong' before). And on a superficial level, enjoying the renewed smooth skin that pregnancy hormones have already given me, after a shocking few months of cysty pimples. And looking forward to, and dreading, and then dreading some more, the nausea and vomiting that seems to accompany me in early pregnancy (no matter what the outcome...it's a myth that 'morning sickness' means everything is going well; I've proven the myth of it twice). And I'm talking to my stomach and begging this little person to hang around and be healthy and grow big and he/she will be so so loved. I promise.

A year on...

A year tomorrow since we found out we were pregnant with our 3rd child. That didn't go so well...and we still don't know what the future holds for us in that area. Still no baby in my arms or in my belly, and I hope every day that there will be soon. My kids hope it too...they both randomly bring it up, asking "when are we going to have our other baby Mummy?" and "I can't wait to play with our baby" and wherever we are, they both seek out babies to sit and play with. Even newborns. My 2 little gentle nurturing souls are both convinced that there is another little person for our family.
My husband isn't so convinced. Scared of a repeat of the grief and illness that occured for all of Autumn last year. Scared of his age (40 this year). Scared of being so 'tied down' and 'tired' again just when our kids are at ages that are getting easier.
I can't tell you why I'm convinced, I just know I am. In my heart. Practically, I know that we have it pretty good right now. Financially, probably not the wisest move to add another person. But emotionally, and isn't that the biggest one?, it's there, that wish to complete our family with another little person. Boy or girl, i'm honestly not fussed. As I keep saying to my husband, I just know that I'm not done.
I might have to be done. We don't know what last year did to my body. I may now be infertile. I'm not really ready to face that. I may have to be soon and I don't even know how.
I sway between thinking 'at least our kids and each other are healthy, at least noone has died, I should be grateful for all I have', and then thinking 'oh man, finding out on ultrasound that another baby has died in my belly, and having to go thru an operation, and then becoming septic and having to have another operation, then becoming unwell for several months with terrible headaches, but having to get on with life and duties and work and everything anyway, well, maybe I have a right to feel sad sometimes about it.' And then I think, like Tony must, 'why would I want to take the risk of all that grief and loss and illness happening again?' I don't know, I just do, I just want the outcome that most people get, a healthy baby.
It's hard being a woman. It's hard wanting something that you actually have no control over. I can't make my husband sleep with me at the right time of the month, I can't make my body fall pregnant, I can't wish a baby into being. And I can't stop myself looking at other babies and thinking it's in my destiny to do the baby-stage again. And the toddler stage. And all of it.
It is all so incredibly rewarding. Hard as anything, frustrating more than life itself, but so fulfilling and fun.
My husband sometimes thinks I struggle with the 2 I have. He questions whether I'm handling them. Don't we all struggle at times, at moments? Don't we all just want space sometimes? I know we do because I talk to a lot of other mums and dads, and the story is always the same. He doesn't talk to anyone at all about parenting, so he thinks it's just me. And I'll have you know that I am a very good mum, a very organised person, on top of it all, admired by many. He just doesn't see that because he remembers the times when I'm irritated and yell and crave space. Don't we all do those things?
I know another little person in our family would make it busier in our house, give me not much space for a long time. But I'm willing to go there. I really am. My fingers are crossed, always, that we get to go there.

Strange Things Happen

I just found this unfinished post in my drafts folder, the last time I visited this blog last year. Written on 18th may 2010. Reading it made me realise why my heart holds its fears. And then I realised that my 2nd op happened a year ago today...funny how dates bring things up. I wanted to go to bed an hour ago but got on here and just started typing instead. Anniversary dates come up unconsciously in my head. Even 'exactly a week ago' moments...I'll randomly remember some random thing i was doing 'last Saturday at this exact time' and get a clear flash of it. Weird. Anyway, hopefully posting this post from last year will make it unnecessarily to write a new one for this year (or something superstitious like that?!!). Good night. Yep, strange things happen. Things that cannot always be explained. Things that are not always pretty. Things that are confusing and sad and cause question after question to come up. I was so happy to be pregnant with that dreamed-of 3rd baby. But only 4 weeks after that positive pregnancy test, we found out on a scan that the baby had died 2 weeks earlier. A Missed Miscarriage. Again. Our second journey down that road. Back to hospital for another D&C, the tears, the letting-everyone-know, the trying-to-understand-it. Didn't seem fair somehow. Still doesn't. I'm still trying to understand it, 9 weeks on. Twice we find out on scan that our babies had died weeks earlier and have to deal with the emotional aftermath. Only this time, the aftermath wasn't just emotional. I developed an infection and had to have a repeat D&C to remove 'retained products of conception' (medically, an apt description, but quite hard to take as the mother of those 'products of conception'). I was septic and very unwell, and 7 weeks since then, I am still suffering from a headache every day. There is no diagnosis for the headache and it may not be related to the post-baby illness, but in our minds it's all linked and certainly hasn't assisted in any way to help us recover emotionally. I am bummed about the baby, really sad and looking for reasons that I will never understand. I accept that the baby must not have been 'meant to be' physically, that there must have been something not right with him or her. Butwhy? And even more so, why did I get sick? What were the reasons there? Is the universe trying to tell us something? That maybe we shouldn't have a 3rd child? That maybe we should stop at our gorgeous 2? Did we get punished for being too greedy, for wanting too much in our lives? Why did it all happen like that? And an even bigger question, what does it mean for our future? Now that the thoughts of another baby and then the 'tease' of another baby have happened, I fear that I will always feel an empty part of my heart if we don't have another. I was scared of the difficulty and the change, but I was so excited and thrilled, not to mention clucky. But now we're both scared of what this experience meant for us, of going through any of it again, of everything to do with 'trying again'. I still get emotional at unpredictable times, I still must feel the pain somewhere inside, in spite all my insisting to myself and others that I am over the loss.

A Gift Come True

Well, it's happened...my anniversary gift of having another baby is about to happen. I did a test this morning and we are 5 weeks pregnant with our third child...YAY! Very excited, rather quietly but happily so. I have had a feeling for the last 4 or 5 days that I was and I hoped all along for conception this month (an October baby)...any earlier felt too early, any later was approaching Christmas...this is perfect. I dreamed it and my dream has come true. Tony is stoked and proud. Hungover as he is today, he couldn't wipe the smile off his face! He joked that he is deliberately hungover today (and rather badly too) so he can empathise with me in the coming weeks if (when?!) I suffer morning sickness. I've been super-understanding and nice in the hope that he can do that for me too. That is honestly my only fear about this whole thing. The birth doesn't worry me, the baby itself doesn't worry me too much (I know it will be challenging but I had a big revelation in my heart at work a few weeks ago that I love babies and I love toddlers and a third child isn't just 'a third child', it's a whole new person to adore and love as we do the current two). But the morning sickness, well, the thought fills me with trepidation and fear because I remember only too well how it feels and it can't be any easier at all with 2 little kids to look after! I explained to Michael earlier that we found out today that I have a baby in my tummy and making a baby can be rather hard work for the body, so I might be tired and maybe grumpy and feeling sick for a little while. I might even be sick in the toilet, I told him. He took it all in, then said "oh no, but I hope you don't spew the baby up from your tummy!" so we had a chat about how the baby's in a special little pocket behind my bellybutton. Later on he brought it up again and told me he can't wait to teach the baby cricket and footy...my sweet sweet boy, he's so lovely!
So much to think about now, so much on my mind...wow! Pregnant. Huge to digest. YAY!

Motherhood is everything in extremes

I read a quote in a magazine today, quoted from a book that i've been meaning to get out of the library called "Buddhism for Mothers".
"Motherhood is everything in extremes".

I think that about sums it up. Good and bad, fun and challenging, that is exactly it. Struck a chord, and that has become a new thought of mine, along with "This too shall pass" in the hard moments, and "with children, the days are long but the years are short", to remind me that to enjoy it while it is still here.

And I am proud to say that I do, very much.

The 'everything in extremes' bit is true in every way. My children bring me the most happiness, the most pride, the most to look forward to, to most 'little moments'. They also bring me the most frustration, the least sleep, the least relaxation, the most mess. All in extremes.

When I say that quote to myself in the frustrating time, it reminds me, gives me a kick, that although things they do/don't do can drive me insane, in the same hour, they will do/say something that will make me laugh to extreme or feel love to the extreme...and it all balances out. No actually, it doesn't balance out at all. The good definitely tips the bad, it is way more. It just seems that the bad is what also makes me react and then feel guilty or stew on it, so it leaves a bigger impression than it deserves to.

I have realised recently that one of my biggest challenges with motherhood is an issue of my own. I have a 'personal space issue', a certain degree of claustrophobia. Not a medical or psychological issue as such, but it does affect my tolerance of the kids at times. Like when helping one of them on the toilet and the other one stands behind me in the little room, I get quite anxious and have to monitor my reaction to keep it fair. My instinct is to panic to make space around me, but I need to use my self-control to ask nicely for some space. It happens regularly, this need for space, because with two toddlers who ADORE me and always want to be right with me, closely following me and standing under my feet, I don't get given much personal space. But again in extremes, while that is extremely challenging to me sometimes, I remind myself that I am blesssed with two very affectionate children, and I certainly get cuddles and kisses in the extreme too. Being an affectionate person myself, I wouldn't change it so I have to take both the crowding AND the cuddles, and monitor my anxious reaction when my personal space is invaded by two toddles at times I don't want it to be.

Another example of extremes in a way is a little something that happened last week. Both kids and I were unwell with a cold, miserable and snotty and tired and coughing, all feeling out of sorts. They were being more frustrating than usual because they were sick, and I was more easily frustrated than usual because I was sick (surely there should be a rule that parents and kids shouldn't be unwell at the same time!). Michael's whining had just reached an all-time high and to my fluid-filled ears and sore head, it sounded like nails on a blackboard. I lost the plot and yelled at him. I can't remember what i said, but I know my yelling wasn't pretty. He cried and then took off outside. I thought he was going out to nurse his wounded feelings and I was glad for the space from him. A couple of minutes later, he came up to me with a bunch of flowers that he'd picked from our garden, handed them to me and said, "I know you're feeling sick Mummy, and I hope these help you to feel better." What a sweet sweet boy. I of course felt guilty that I had unfairly yelled at this gorgeous little person, but mostly I felt so proud and amazed at his generosity of spirit for recognising how I felt and putting his own hurt feelings behind him in an effort to make me feel better. Sometimes (often) I think children are bigger people than us jaded adults.

My final example of extremes...Christmas. It is only 19 sleeps till Christmas. A very busy 3 weeks ahead. I know it will be crazy and chaos and there's so much to do. All on top of the normal everyday stuff that I already struggle to fit in.
But CHRISTMAS!! I LOVE it. I always did but with kids, it is so special. I soak up every moment and expose them to everything to do with it. Santa is coming this afternoon infact, to help us put up our tree and decorations. I am very excited and Michael is too.
The extremes of Christmas...busy and tiring, but so fun and magical. And like with parenting, fun and magical win hands-down.

An Anniversary Gift

My husband gave me a special gift on our 5th wedding anniversary. It wasn't from the traditional gift list, nor was it from the modern list. Completely out of left field, he told me that he would very much like a 3rd child. After nearly 2 years of ranging from pretty sure to totally convinced that our boy and our girl were enough for us, that our family was complete, I was totally shocked and amazed. I don't know, however, whether I was more surprised at his revelation or at my reaction. I thought that I was completely decided, that I didn't have a doubt in my mind, that I was genuinely happy to have no more babies, to say goodbye to that part of my life. I didn't think I was fooling myself, choosing to pretend not to want something that wasn't on offer to me. I felt real in my decision that I was absolutely fulfilled with Michael and Chelsea.

However, when he dropped this bombshell on me, in a very sweet honest manner I might add, I felt like he had handed me a present on a platter. I felt blessed and excited that we might make another little person to love and cherish and 'grow up'. We spent lots of the next couple of days talking about it, often with me checking to make sure he was serious and then going through the reasons why NOT to have another baby, why another pregnancy and baby would be hard on us as a family.

He assured me that although another baby was what he would very much like, it was up to me and he wouldn't go through life feeling unfulfilled or sad or hold a grudge toward me if I chose that we would stop procreating. He promised never to joke or blame me in the future if I made the decision now to stop at two.

But my initial reaction, that feeling of being given the most amazing 5th anniversary gift ever, was my answer. Through all the reasons why not (and there are some pretty significant practical ones), I knew that my answer was going to be yes. It was obviously my gut reaction and I don't know how my sub-conscious had managed to hide it from me for all this time, but I have to go with it.

I had booked an appointment with my GP/Obstetrician a few weeks before, to talk about finished-having-babies stuff. So, only three days after the conversation opening my mind to a third child, I went off to that doctor to tell him that I made the appointment thinking we'd finished having children, but I'm now here as Tony has told me that he would like a third so could I please have my contraception removed. It felt kind of impulsive but I already had the appointment and figured I couldn't go back on a gut reaction; not to mention the fact that I couldn't continue to go through the yo-yo of yes/no's in my head that had been happening all weekend. Best to just go ahead, take the plunge, be un-contraception-ed, see what happens.
So WOW, we will have a third child, if nature takes the right course. WOW!

I'm still feeling a bit afraid, thinking of all the reasons why I've been happy to stop at two over the last year. But I keep coming back to the same conclusion; that all the reasons not to have a third are, for me, short-term and self-centred, while all the reasons that having a third is the way to go are long-term and HUGE. Another whole person in our family. The gift of life. The gift of being a mother to a whole other person. Huge.

The short-term selfish reasons include regaining some sense of our own individual lives over the past year, feeling rested and well-slept, feeling fit and healthy from hockey and triathlon training, having the best body-image (maybe the best body shape?) that I've ever had, fear that I will never regain this confidence or weight or fitness after another pregnancy and a more busy life. There's also the mere fact, as I wrote in my first blog, that Parenting is Hard, and that three is surely harder than two. Surely it's crazy to add another child to the mix when the current 2 sometimes drive me up the wall. Then there's the age of Michael and Chelsea at the moment, both getting older, more independent, things getting overall easier, holidays more possible, life basically in check. Then there's the financial stuff. And not to mention the fact that in the past, I've not been very energetic or healthy for some months in pregnancy and I'm not that pleasant when sleep-deprived, and Michael and Chelsea don't deserve a grumpy mum for the next few years; they deserve the very best of me.

But all of these reasons, some very good, some a little petty, are nothing compared to that gift of life. The gift of another person to love and cuddle and get to know and laugh with and bring up right. And although there is that question of whether it's fair to Michael and Chelsea to potentially add more stress to our lives, I also see it as a gift to them. They are both very special kids, very caring, gentle, kind. Michael took to being a big brother the second he met Chelsea, when he was only 22 months old. He has adored her for nearly all the minutes he has known her. They both look after each other and really care for each other. Chelsea has a very nurturing little personality, always looking after her 'babies', taking care of everyone, making sure that everyone around is being looked after. Over the last few months watching as she has grown into the mothering role with her dolls, I have felt sad at times that she would never get a little sibling of her own to love and adore. Now I feel so happy that we will give her that, and give Michael another. The gift of another forever friend to them.

I feel lucky that I honestly do not mind what gender we have. We have one of each, any new little person is just a bonus. A girl would be wonderful so Chelsea can have a sister (I think sisters can have a very special relationship). We can't think of a girl name though...hmm. A boy would be wonderful for lots of reasons too (just ask Tony!). We have a few boys' names to choose from. The old adage "as long as it's healthy" really stands true and I'm very thankful for that.

I know we're making a rash decision here, but I feel in my heart that it's the right one for us. I don't think I'm minimising the realities of adding another child to our family; I think we're just deciding that being realistic also involves the positive parts of it as well as the challenging parts. I'm excited and Tony's excited...hopefully, we're going to go forth and procreate!