Priorities

In some ways, my husband and I are very alike, soulmates, think the same. Like the ESP we have always seemed to share, little stuff like both opening our mouth to talk about the same thing at the same time out of the blue, or ringing each other at exactly the same time, or after weeks of having no cotton buds, we both brought them on exactly the same day. Coincidences, maybe, and as a result of living together and knowing each other so well, but it happens so regularly that it feels like there's a higher power at work between us.

And then there's the ways that we're not so in sync.

Lots of those too.

Many because of our different upbringings. Many (most) because of our different gender (how can men and women think so differently!?!). Many because of the different roles we play in our family life.

Like priorities. We're very often not in sync over priorities.

For example, he is a bit OCD about cleanliness, partly from his upbringing (his dad (a lovely man, truly!) used to come home from work and run his finger over the top of the doorway, and raise his eyebrows if there was dust...imagine the pressure on my mother-in-law!) and partly from life in the Navy.

I am not so OCD about cleaning.

But I do like my things in their place, tidy, where they belong. Like keys and wallet. I always know where mine are, because I ALWAYS put them where they belong. He's not so OCD about this and regularly forgets his wallet or phone. Or leaves keys laying around...or IN THE POCKET OF HIS JUMPER HANGING ON THE LINE AND TAKES THE OTHER PAIR TO WORK SO IT'S MY PROBLEM THAT THE KEYS AREN'T HANGING WHERE THEY BELONG (but anyway, that was 2 weeks ago now and I'm nearly over the frustration of 30 minutes of searching...I think!). I get mildly anxious if the kitchen bench isn't bare, whereas he'll open mail and leave the ripped envelopes spread over it.

And don't get me started on when we travel together. I keep everything in its place, he is like a cyclone.

Anyway........

I guess it works well having the two of us live together. I tidy and he cleans sometimes and the rest of the time inadvertantly guilts me into cleaning more often than I'd like (no, just kidding...I think.)

Except where kids come into it. If he had his way, we would have no toys, no sign of kids living here, we would, in fact, be living in a show home. No sign of life. Don't get me wrong, when I do a big tidy and clean I love how the house looks and wish it would last longer than a few hours. But I recognise that the very nature of having kids mean having mess to some extent. His instinct is not to recognise this (although to his credit, he has loosened up somewhat over the last 5 years.)

Our differences came to a bit of a head last weekend. It was a sunny Winter's long weekend. We stayed home for it. I wasn't feeling too flash and decided that as it was a 'holiday', I would treat it as such. He got stuck into doing more work on our front courtyard, so alot of our time was spent with him drilling and hammering, and me laying in the sun listening to the kids play imaginary games or draw rock people on our garden rocks.

To me, it was perfection (because I was mostly horizontal...no, just kidding!) because the kids were very low-maintenance, enjoying sun and fresh air, using their imaginations, not fighting, doing cool stuff with nature (the rock person idea wasn't initially mine but I encouraged it, I love it!). Chelsea came inside at some stage and set up her teddies and babies and chairs around a table for a tea-party, tablecloth and all, and happily played by herself. Mike played lots of football by himself, commentating his own games as he does. And I took photos, always a joy to me.

See, Perfection. We were together, but the kids weren't needy. We had fun, but they didn't need me to be a part of it, I could choose when to enter into it. A true holiday for a mother.

Of course, with all the drilling etc, Tony didn't care what the kids were doing, he was focussed on his own stuff.

So when he came inside later, about an hour before his parents (the King and Queen?!) were due to drop in for a quick visit, he freaked out. While I usually do clean for their visits, this time I had made the decision that I wasn't going to stress about their drop-in (not a visit to us as such, just a convenient drop-in) (and they're family, after all) and don't get me wrong, the house wasn't disgusting, it was just not immaculate, it was lived-in, played-in, relaxed.

But suddenly, it was all hands on deck, everyone at action stations, hustle hustle, yell yell. He had a big go at me and I replied angrily that it wasn't going to be HIM, the man, the full-time worker, they judged if they were to judge, it would be ME, the woman, the mostly stay-at-home one, and I decided that that was ok today, so my choice, my problem, chill out.

It ended well because the kids sensed the urgency and worked well together tidying their toys up, he vacuumed and I followed behind with the mop, and the house looked great after 40 minutes of what usually takes me, alone, a good few hours!

And then to prove my point, after the in-laws had admired the work on the front courtyard, we headed straight out the back for their 45 minute visit. No time to notice the state of the house. Just an enjoyment of seeing the grandkids they hadn't seen for a few months and catching up on each others' news.

BUT once again, it proved out priorities, particuarly in parenting. I am fairly lax with the kids play, thinking they're only young once, let them 'free-play', tidy up at the end of it but not during, encourage use of imagination and the resulting cuteness. Our colouring-in table is always set up and not often neat because they're back and forth to it so often in a day, but I love that because they have freedom to explore their creative side to their hearts' content. Tony would have them restricted to a corner of the house making no mess as they play, in his ideal world. I'm serious. Totally serious.

AND since the 'childcare' element of our life usually falls to me, it doesn't affect him so much if they're low maintenance. Whereas to me, if they need to make mess to leave me alone and not be 'at' me, then that's great, go for it kids!! Different priorities for sure!

And one more thing about different priorities. While I see doing parent help in Michael's preschool class as a priority, as a joy, as a chance to peek into a part of his world that I have no control over, something to make Michael's day, Tony clearly sees it as an inconvenience. I asked him if he'd like to do it today, because he's taken the day off to watch the footy between 12 and 3. He replied that no, he has too much to do around here, no time to waste on parent help.

Whereas I am kid-focussed, Tony is task-focussed.

But then we work well together because left up to me, who knows what state of disrepair our home could be in, because I'd be too busy concentrating on giving the kids a good time. Whereas left up to him, the kids would perhaps be dressed and maybe fed and that's about it, while he did jobs jobs jobs.

Yep, frustrating as we find each other, we definitely match and it's why our family works so well together. Something to remind myself of and remember to celebrate.