A year on...

A year tomorrow since we found out we were pregnant with our 3rd child. That didn't go so well...and we still don't know what the future holds for us in that area. Still no baby in my arms or in my belly, and I hope every day that there will be soon. My kids hope it too...they both randomly bring it up, asking "when are we going to have our other baby Mummy?" and "I can't wait to play with our baby" and wherever we are, they both seek out babies to sit and play with. Even newborns. My 2 little gentle nurturing souls are both convinced that there is another little person for our family.
My husband isn't so convinced. Scared of a repeat of the grief and illness that occured for all of Autumn last year. Scared of his age (40 this year). Scared of being so 'tied down' and 'tired' again just when our kids are at ages that are getting easier.
I can't tell you why I'm convinced, I just know I am. In my heart. Practically, I know that we have it pretty good right now. Financially, probably not the wisest move to add another person. But emotionally, and isn't that the biggest one?, it's there, that wish to complete our family with another little person. Boy or girl, i'm honestly not fussed. As I keep saying to my husband, I just know that I'm not done.
I might have to be done. We don't know what last year did to my body. I may now be infertile. I'm not really ready to face that. I may have to be soon and I don't even know how.
I sway between thinking 'at least our kids and each other are healthy, at least noone has died, I should be grateful for all I have', and then thinking 'oh man, finding out on ultrasound that another baby has died in my belly, and having to go thru an operation, and then becoming septic and having to have another operation, then becoming unwell for several months with terrible headaches, but having to get on with life and duties and work and everything anyway, well, maybe I have a right to feel sad sometimes about it.' And then I think, like Tony must, 'why would I want to take the risk of all that grief and loss and illness happening again?' I don't know, I just do, I just want the outcome that most people get, a healthy baby.
It's hard being a woman. It's hard wanting something that you actually have no control over. I can't make my husband sleep with me at the right time of the month, I can't make my body fall pregnant, I can't wish a baby into being. And I can't stop myself looking at other babies and thinking it's in my destiny to do the baby-stage again. And the toddler stage. And all of it.
It is all so incredibly rewarding. Hard as anything, frustrating more than life itself, but so fulfilling and fun.
My husband sometimes thinks I struggle with the 2 I have. He questions whether I'm handling them. Don't we all struggle at times, at moments? Don't we all just want space sometimes? I know we do because I talk to a lot of other mums and dads, and the story is always the same. He doesn't talk to anyone at all about parenting, so he thinks it's just me. And I'll have you know that I am a very good mum, a very organised person, on top of it all, admired by many. He just doesn't see that because he remembers the times when I'm irritated and yell and crave space. Don't we all do those things?
I know another little person in our family would make it busier in our house, give me not much space for a long time. But I'm willing to go there. I really am. My fingers are crossed, always, that we get to go there.