Strange Things Happen

I just found this unfinished post in my drafts folder, the last time I visited this blog last year. Written on 18th may 2010. Reading it made me realise why my heart holds its fears. And then I realised that my 2nd op happened a year ago today...funny how dates bring things up. I wanted to go to bed an hour ago but got on here and just started typing instead. Anniversary dates come up unconsciously in my head. Even 'exactly a week ago' moments...I'll randomly remember some random thing i was doing 'last Saturday at this exact time' and get a clear flash of it. Weird. Anyway, hopefully posting this post from last year will make it unnecessarily to write a new one for this year (or something superstitious like that?!!). Good night. Yep, strange things happen. Things that cannot always be explained. Things that are not always pretty. Things that are confusing and sad and cause question after question to come up. I was so happy to be pregnant with that dreamed-of 3rd baby. But only 4 weeks after that positive pregnancy test, we found out on a scan that the baby had died 2 weeks earlier. A Missed Miscarriage. Again. Our second journey down that road. Back to hospital for another D&C, the tears, the letting-everyone-know, the trying-to-understand-it. Didn't seem fair somehow. Still doesn't. I'm still trying to understand it, 9 weeks on. Twice we find out on scan that our babies had died weeks earlier and have to deal with the emotional aftermath. Only this time, the aftermath wasn't just emotional. I developed an infection and had to have a repeat D&C to remove 'retained products of conception' (medically, an apt description, but quite hard to take as the mother of those 'products of conception'). I was septic and very unwell, and 7 weeks since then, I am still suffering from a headache every day. There is no diagnosis for the headache and it may not be related to the post-baby illness, but in our minds it's all linked and certainly hasn't assisted in any way to help us recover emotionally. I am bummed about the baby, really sad and looking for reasons that I will never understand. I accept that the baby must not have been 'meant to be' physically, that there must have been something not right with him or her. Butwhy? And even more so, why did I get sick? What were the reasons there? Is the universe trying to tell us something? That maybe we shouldn't have a 3rd child? That maybe we should stop at our gorgeous 2? Did we get punished for being too greedy, for wanting too much in our lives? Why did it all happen like that? And an even bigger question, what does it mean for our future? Now that the thoughts of another baby and then the 'tease' of another baby have happened, I fear that I will always feel an empty part of my heart if we don't have another. I was scared of the difficulty and the change, but I was so excited and thrilled, not to mention clucky. But now we're both scared of what this experience meant for us, of going through any of it again, of everything to do with 'trying again'. I still get emotional at unpredictable times, I still must feel the pain somewhere inside, in spite all my insisting to myself and others that I am over the loss.

A Gift Come True

Well, it's happened...my anniversary gift of having another baby is about to happen. I did a test this morning and we are 5 weeks pregnant with our third child...YAY! Very excited, rather quietly but happily so. I have had a feeling for the last 4 or 5 days that I was and I hoped all along for conception this month (an October baby)...any earlier felt too early, any later was approaching Christmas...this is perfect. I dreamed it and my dream has come true. Tony is stoked and proud. Hungover as he is today, he couldn't wipe the smile off his face! He joked that he is deliberately hungover today (and rather badly too) so he can empathise with me in the coming weeks if (when?!) I suffer morning sickness. I've been super-understanding and nice in the hope that he can do that for me too. That is honestly my only fear about this whole thing. The birth doesn't worry me, the baby itself doesn't worry me too much (I know it will be challenging but I had a big revelation in my heart at work a few weeks ago that I love babies and I love toddlers and a third child isn't just 'a third child', it's a whole new person to adore and love as we do the current two). But the morning sickness, well, the thought fills me with trepidation and fear because I remember only too well how it feels and it can't be any easier at all with 2 little kids to look after! I explained to Michael earlier that we found out today that I have a baby in my tummy and making a baby can be rather hard work for the body, so I might be tired and maybe grumpy and feeling sick for a little while. I might even be sick in the toilet, I told him. He took it all in, then said "oh no, but I hope you don't spew the baby up from your tummy!" so we had a chat about how the baby's in a special little pocket behind my bellybutton. Later on he brought it up again and told me he can't wait to teach the baby cricket and footy...my sweet sweet boy, he's so lovely!
So much to think about now, so much on my mind...wow! Pregnant. Huge to digest. YAY!